It's absolutely normal chat rooms etc. have their NSFW stuff. Hey, that's fine. But also keep in mind is that many are handled terribly. Some don't bother to be clear on what's allowed and what's not allowed. Beyond, you know, the rules of said normal website, respectively, where it's being hosted at.
And that's the problem. People can't be expected to clearly judge things the same way. Obviously this isn't about Fantasy VS Reality. They're fantasy. Regardless of what's allowed, everybody has their kinks. It doesn't matter, honestly. The most important thing is that some will not like certain things and that's okay. Know who you're talking to. And that's the easy part to deal with.
The real difficult part is enforcing a proper rule set. One of the biggest problems is something I touched on yesterday, the whole "you can PM us to ask if it's okay." This is bad enough with other rules, but why would you want to post something NSFW to someone you know nothing of. You don't. Now let's go further more into it;
- First and foremost; that kind of rule is bunk. There is no good reason to actually ask a person to Private Message/Direct Message you with a specific image to see if it's "okay" to post in said server. This is a major red flag. It's beyond unsafe. They clearly are not worth talking to in that regard. You should never have to ask like that. The only proper way to handle it is to let the image be posted, in spoilers, and if it's not okay, remove it and simply explain to the user in private why it breaks their rules. This way the Moderation properly handles it, you are not intimidated in the first place, and it's far safer. This means they go out of their way to enforce the rules that exist. Like any Moderation should be doing.
- This is for another reason. Relying on the Moderation's judgment only goes so far. You can't know what they're thinking. What happens if they're uncomfortable with a particular item? Oh, right, that means that one person you went out of the way to ask is the one who you unintentionally caused lots of trouble for. This is why it's important the Moderation in itself chooses someone who can discuss it maturely with the offending user.
- Likewise, by asking a single member in private, you give them fuel to use against you. You put yourself in a very vulnerable position in general. This is very difficult for people to deal with, as many are more than willing to create trouble for others by taking anything they do, no matter how innocent the purpose was(including asking if something is okay) and using it against them. This is why it's just not a safe practice. In other words? Never ever do it. Ignore said NSFW channels. They aren't legitimate if they can't properly keep a safe place for everyone.
- Now for another key point; if you think something is borderline, it likely doesn't count as "okay to post". Don't rely on the Moderation for this, especially if they expect you to talk to them in private, which as noted, is highly unsafe to do. That's a very good sign you'd be setting yourself up to fail and get in trouble even when you're actually doing nothing wrong.
- You could also say they're a big clique. Yes, they will assume bad will if you accidentally break a single rule. They will assume it even if you don't break a rule but it looks questionable. Rule of thumb; if you see a new rule pop up, and you can tell it's because of you? You already know for a fact they weren't interested in trying to explain to you the situation. They just wanted to see you fail and are trying to drive you out. Don't waste time asking questions of how you can improve. They made the situation pretty clear when they refused to communicate with you. See the next paragraph to understand how Moderation is for chats as well.
- One last way to put it; the Moderation are not there to be your friends. They're there because they want to enforce the rules, not to really keep the place safe(contrary to popular belief), but to make sure it goes exactly the way they want it to. You'll rarely find this in any kind of chat room. Forums are much safer in comparison, but chat rooms? Don't count on it. The reality is, chat rooms are still very draconian. This isn't necessarily bad, as they don't exactly have options or enough people to moderate(or even some big place) to really make a democratic-like ruleset. That's because it's just random people on the net. While some rules may be agreed upon through consensus, many are "doing their own thing".
- It is worth noting I have run servers with multiple moderators. I don't pretend for one second it's simply about being safe. All servers are supposed to work one way or the highway. Regardless of what it is. Safety is not the server's concern. Discord(etc.) are not legitimately safe at all. Don't fool yourselves into thinking it is. They can be comfortable for people to be in.
- Now as for the rules, obviously there's going to be many based upon the Moderation's own preferences, along with respective rules of the website. There's nothing wrong with this at all. But it's still up to them to be as clear as possible, and you are not at fault if it's poorly written. The worst thing you can do is be highly vague.
- We know that things like topless people are subjective if it's counts as NSFW. Especially when the idea that breasts are on display is an issue. That is going to vary entirely on the people running it, and considering it attempts to make the female body sounds like they shouldn't be allowed to be shirtless cause it's automatically lewd is also unfair. This is easy to make clear how it is counted.
- In addition, there is SFW and NSFW. Questionable doesn't cut it. That's not a real thing in these kind of services. This is related to the first sub-bullet. If said, as noted, breasts are allowed, that means that either they're in a NSFW channel by default or are considered SFW for the server. Some might call it "Ecchi"(A.K.A. softcore porn). Generally, Ecchi is treated as NSFW by default. In the case of Discord, they're quite picky on this and you can get in trouble. Be careful how you do so. If you think something might be NSFW, it probably is.
- To end this bit off, there is no denying that how porn should be posted and handled is always subjective. Just remember that within various services, they aren't going to really go out of their way to differentitate things in general. Much like the above sub-bullet, it's "assumed the worst possible", and that makes sense. If it's questionable enough that you need to "ask if it counts", well? That's a good sign it probably counts or doesn't count(depending the context of said item).
- That said, everybody knows that some people do stuff with others online that are NSFW. Or sometimes just intimidate. There's nothing wrong with this.
- It's very easy to make an error and go over the line. Just remember to apologize. Also remember that at best, you shouldn't even attempt again. It was never happening and you made an error. They ain't interested.
- Likewise, yes, people change their minds or their lives and lose interest in NSFW stuff. Whether it's talking about it, media stuff, or playing around(A.K.A. Cyber Sex). Sometimes even jokes are something they don't want to hear. It's okay. Sometimes you can't even know and make a joke by accident. Apologize and try to establish communication right away. This only however works in the case of non-Cyber Sex, though. That's a completely different kettle of fish.
- It's easy to mistake what someone may like too. You can't tell till it happens. You'll figure it out, but just be prepared to apologize if you make an error. It's not worrisome. You didn't mean to cause trouble. Anybody who severely overreacts should only be under the condition you basically did something like post an extremely poor taste thing or went way overboard(hitting on someone, attempted to play with them, etc). The key thing is that unless you're a repeat offender, which really is your issue, not theirs, they also should be willing to communicate on why they're uncomfortable. Keep in mind the reason for this is is that people can still remain friends if they attempt to. It doesn't always work out. And that's okay.
- This goes the other way. Know when to cut your ties. It's often best to say why you don't want to be around them anymore so they at least understand what's going on. Not all do. I spoke of how bad the silent treatment is, as it can create a lot of unnecessary turmoil. But regardless, it happens.
To end off with, these things are not easy to deal with. Ever. There is no "one size fits all" way of handling it. If you communicate well and respectively, that helps a lot, though. Do not expect most people to be willing to do so. Some are far more interested in treating you like dirt over a misunderstanding. Do not assume they're easily willing to try and handle things maturely. They're not. It's far rarer than you think. While it's great to try and be optimistic, this is not a realistic thing. Give them one reason, and they'll go down hard on you in some way. That's basically why it's very important to be careful.
Yes, not all of this was purely NSFW-related, but it's still important details.
