The good ole NSFW Issues

 It's absolutely normal chat rooms etc. have their NSFW stuff. Hey, that's fine. But also keep in mind is that many are handled terribly. Some don't bother to be clear on what's allowed and what's not allowed. Beyond, you know, the rules of said normal website, respectively, where it's being hosted at.

And that's the problem. People can't be expected to clearly judge things the same way. Obviously this isn't about Fantasy VS Reality. They're fantasy. Regardless of what's allowed, everybody has their kinks. It doesn't matter, honestly. The most important thing is that some will not like certain things and that's okay. Know who you're talking to. And that's the easy part to deal with.

The real difficult part is enforcing a proper rule set. One of the biggest problems is something I touched on yesterday, the whole "you can PM us to ask if it's okay." This is bad enough with other rules, but why would you want to post something NSFW to someone you know nothing of. You don't. Now let's go further more into it;

• First and foremost; that kind of rule is bunk. There is no good reason to actually ask a person to Private Message/Direct Message you with a specific image to see if it's "okay" to post in said server. This is a major red flag. It's beyond unsafe. They clearly are not worth talking to in that regard. You should never have to ask like that. The only proper way to handle it is to let the image be posted, in spoilers, and if it's not okay, remove it and simply explain to the user in private why it breaks their rules. This way the Moderation properly handles it, you are not intimidated in the first place, and it's far safer. This means they go out of their way to enforce the rules that exist. Like any Moderation should be doing.
• This is for another reason. Relying on the Moderation's judgment only goes so far. You can't know what they're thinking. What happens if they're uncomfortable with a particular item? Oh, right, that means that one person you went out of the way to ask is the one who you unintentionally caused lots of trouble for. This is why it's important the Moderation in itself chooses someone who can discuss it maturely with the offending user.
• Likewise, by asking a single member in private, you give them fuel to use against you. You put yourself in a very vulnerable position in general. This is very difficult for people to deal with, as many are more than willing to create trouble for others by taking anything they do, no matter how innocent the purpose was(including asking if something is okay) and using it against them. This is why it's just not a safe practice. In other words? Never ever do it. Ignore said NSFW channels. They aren't legitimate if they can't properly keep a safe place for everyone.
• Now for another key point; if you think something is borderline, it likely doesn't count as "okay to post". Don't rely on the Moderation for this, especially if they expect you to talk to them in private, which as noted, is highly unsafe to do. That's a very good sign you'd be setting yourself up to fail and get in trouble even when you're actually doing nothing wrong.
• You could also say they're a big clique. Yes, they will assume bad will if you accidentally break a single rule. They will assume it even if you don't break a rule but it looks questionable. Rule of thumb; if you see a new rule pop up, and you can tell it's because of you? You already know for a fact they weren't interested in trying to explain to you the situation. They just wanted to see you fail and are trying to drive you out. Don't waste time asking questions of how you can improve. They made the situation pretty clear when they refused to communicate with you. See the next paragraph to understand how Moderation is for chats as well.
• One last way to put it; the Moderation are not there to be your friends. They're there because they want to enforce the rules, not to really keep the place safe(contrary to popular belief), but to make sure it goes exactly the way they want it to. You'll rarely find this in any kind of chat room. Forums are much safer in comparison, but chat rooms? Don't count on it. The reality is, chat rooms are still very draconian. This isn't necessarily bad, as they don't exactly have options or enough people to moderate(or even some big place) to really make a democratic-like ruleset. That's because it's just random people on the net. While some rules may be agreed upon through consensus, many are "doing their own thing".
• It is worth noting I have run servers with multiple moderators. I don't pretend for one second it's simply about being safe. All servers are supposed to work one way or the highway. Regardless of what it is. Safety is not the server's concern. Discord(etc.) are not legitimately safe at all. Don't fool yourselves into thinking it is. They can be comfortable for people to be in.
• Now as for the rules, obviously there's going to be many based upon the Moderation's own preferences, along with respective rules of the website. There's nothing wrong with this at all. But it's still up to them to be as clear as possible, and you are not at fault if it's poorly written. The worst thing you can do is be highly vague.
• We know that things like topless people are subjective if it's counts as NSFW. Especially when the idea that breasts are on display is an issue. That is going to vary entirely on the people running it, and considering it attempts to make the female body sounds like they shouldn't be allowed to be shirtless cause it's automatically lewd is also unfair. This is easy to make clear how it is counted.
• In addition, there is SFW and NSFW. Questionable doesn't cut it. That's not a real thing in these kind of services. This is related to the first sub-bullet. If said, as noted, breasts are allowed, that means that either they're in a NSFW channel by default or are considered SFW for the server. Some might call it "Ecchi"(A.K.A. softcore porn). Generally, Ecchi is treated as NSFW by default. In the case of Discord, they're quite picky on this and you can get in trouble. Be careful how you do so. If you think something might be NSFW, it probably is.
• To end this bit off, there is no denying that how porn should be posted and handled is always subjective. Just remember that within various services, they aren't going to really go out of their way to differentitate things in general. Much like the above sub-bullet, it's "assumed the worst possible", and that makes sense. If it's questionable enough that you need to "ask if it counts", well? That's a good sign it probably counts or doesn't count(depending the context of said item).
• That said, everybody knows that some people do stuff with others online that are NSFW. Or sometimes just intimidate. There's nothing wrong with this.
• It's very easy to make an error and go over the line. Just remember to apologize. Also remember that at best, you shouldn't even attempt again. It was never happening and you made an error. They ain't interested.
• Likewise, yes, people change their minds or their lives and lose interest in NSFW stuff. Whether it's talking about it, media stuff, or playing around(A.K.A. Cyber Sex). Sometimes even jokes are something they don't want to hear. It's okay. Sometimes you can't even know and make a joke by accident. Apologize and try to establish communication right away. This only however works in the case of non-Cyber Sex, though. That's a completely different kettle of fish.
• It's easy to mistake what someone may like too. You can't tell till it happens. You'll figure it out, but just be prepared to apologize if you make an error. It's not worrisome. You didn't mean to cause trouble. Anybody who severely overreacts should only be under the condition you basically did something like post an extremely poor taste thing or went way overboard(hitting on someone, attempted to play with them, etc). The key thing is that unless you're a repeat offender, which really is your issue, not theirs, they also should be willing to communicate on why they're uncomfortable. Keep in mind the reason for this is is that people can still remain friends if they attempt to. It doesn't always work out. And that's okay.
• This goes the other way. Know when to cut your ties. It's often best to say why you don't want to be around them anymore so they at least understand what's going on. Not all do. I spoke of how bad the silent treatment is, as it can create a lot of unnecessary turmoil. But regardless, it happens.

To end off with, these things are not easy to deal with. Ever. There is no "one size fits all" way of handling it. If you communicate well and respectively, that helps a lot, though. Do not expect most people to be willing to do so. Some are far more interested in treating you like dirt over a misunderstanding. Do not assume they're easily willing to try and handle things maturely. They're not. It's far rarer than you think. While it's great to try and be optimistic, this is not a realistic thing. Give them one reason, and they'll go down hard on you in some way. That's basically why it's very important to be careful.

Yes, not all of this was purely NSFW-related, but it's still important details.

The Intimidation That Is Moderation

This is mainly about Discord Servers, and how they are managed.

It's quite common for people to think "You can ask the Moderation for help" is a great idea. It kind of is... but not really. This is decent if it's in public, as you can quickly tag them. But expecting any user to suddenly go into a private message with them in some way? This doesn't work. This is because they already are highly intimidated by their existence. No friendly face works at any point and never will. That's not enough. The only person they will feel comfortable around is someone they already started talking to before joining said server. Oftentimes the Admin, anyway.

This is also why it's very important, if a user breaks a rule or causes issues that would require a new rule, it's fully up to the Moderation to take them aside and help explain why it's necessary. If a rule if blatantly made because of a user, they will take it badly, especially with how it's worded. Expecting them to suddenly take the initiative is overall bad for everyone. They already feel vastly uncomfortable. This is a great way to alienate people as it doesn't actually show enough caring about how they might feel. There's no excuse for being completely silent on the matter. See next paragraph to explain the other side of the issue a bit.

(As I said before in my last blog, a user leaving silently doesn't help, but you have to remember that they don't even feel comfortable enough to say anything in the first place. Why would they? They already feel horrible in the first place. They at best would expect to be talked to a bit, before or after. The worst thing you can do is ghost them instead of at least asking why they left. Maybe it'll help. Maybe said user who left was actually a troll in the first place. That's however pretty rare).

In the end, when enforcing rules, it's very important you communicate directly with said rule breaker. But don't be intimidating and at least try to hear their side of the story. They aren't trying to justify it, they're trying to explain their side so they can be helped to not make further mistakes/break more rules. Never ever assume it's in bad faith. This is a failure to actually listen. There's going to be obviously cases where there's nothing to listen to(blatantly violent threats, bigotry, those kind of things. Like, uh, yeah, no. There's no side of the story to tell. You want to see people hurt. End of story. Naturally there's tons of other cases where there was nothing remotely similar to that and it was taken the wrong way).

A new blog post. This is meant to cover tons of internet opinions on various etiquette. This is controversial, no doubt. Please read with care.

 First, let's start off by saying a very important thing. This is not calling out anyone in particular(in fact, it even applies to stuff I've made a mistake on).

Second, for various reasons I am not allowing Readers to comment on here because it's more about reading and learning.

Lastly, keep in mind this is still an opinion piece.

I will start off with something very notable; comfort zones. Let's be real. You've accidentally invaded one or was on the receiving of an inappropriate message. Do not fret. These things happen. It's important that you deal with this appropriately(the irony is apt here).

• Remember. You are entirely justified in being angry etc. at someone for telling you something they don't want to hear. That doesn't mean you should be actually mean towards another user.
• This also goes in hand with general rudeness and honesty. If somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, absolutely let them know! Just be honest about it. A common phrase is "I don't mean to be rude, but" has come up before on average. The thing is? Yes, you do you mean to be rude. Don't pretend to be nice. Either say it bluntly or just be honest on how it makes you feel.
• The next bit goes on the other way. Don't assume how someone else feels. At least try to ask first. People make mistakes, and that can include taking things too far, whether you meant to or not. Nobody is perfect. Learn from them.
• Finally, try to at least talk it out with honesty and respect towards each other.

The next thing to mention is the "Silent Treatment", as it were. We all know some people just... leave places. Or, they may talk about things in private about another user, due to issues that happen. For the former, sometimes they don't want to say anything. You shouldn't assume why, but 99% of the time it's in good faith overall. That doesn't mean they shouldn't have said something, but it's not meant to cause trouble. For the latter, everyone makes mistakes. As places grow, experience require new rules. But the most important thing, is that if a person is basically responsible for a new rule, at least talk to them about it.

• For more clarity, something to remember if a person leaves a server, removes you as a friend, or even stops following you. Whatever situation that is similar. Maybe they stop talking to you. You don't know the reason. If you aren't asking, then you should just assume they likely don't want to be around you anymore, but that doesn't actually say "malicious intent", but quite the opposite. The only time it's pretty clear they are tired of you in every plausible way is if they Block You. No matter where. That's the clear hint it's based around maliciousness. Just don't be silent.
• This also goes hand in hand with assumptions. Don't assume bad faith. It's not reasonable and only shows a case of basically a darker intent in general. It's not entirely malicious, but pretty close. Why would you assume bad faith? It's understandable to be unsure, and be uneasy around a person who caused issues. That's completely fair. But that's why you still have to talk.
• Lastly, as I noted above fairly well, it's not as simple as "making a new rule cause someone caused issues." By not talking to that person, you basically make them feel horrible if they weren't a troll to begin with. They don't even understand for sure what they did wrong. Or why it feels like they're being called out by without actually talking to them. It's very dishonest. That's not the way to go about it. Always communicate.

Next up is the classic "taking a Quote out of Context". Many do it. Like, come on, it's a fun joke sometimes, right? However, read the room too. If a user you misquoted for a joke tells you they don't like it, you went too far and should apologize. It doesn't matter if you thought it was funny. You made an error.

• However, also keep in mind that person being quoted can pretty easily tell the purpose behind it. It can often be a joke, but if it's a joke repeated, it's not as funny. In addition, the context matters too. These kind of things can absolutely be used as a soap box for someone's agenda. Whether it's to strength of a poor argument, or some other kind of intent. Using it as a soapbox at that point becomes outright malicious in intent. It stopped being a joke by that point.
• As noted a bit ago, not everyone is fond of this. This also means that there's an issue with how you're acting if you continue to do so. Out of Context stuff is not inherently funny. Often times it's quite the opposite and putting words into people's mouths for the sake of it. But yes, apologize, move on, and don't do it again towards said user. Others may absolutely find it funny. "It's a joke, bro." is not an excuse either.

And everyone's favorite, though covered slightly up above, emotions. The reality is, emotions aren't controllable. Do not police how someone feels. Help them, give a pat on the back(if they like that), or just listen. Sometimes people need to vent, etc. Likewise, there are times people are not going to want to listen to the contrary. This is a key point, as it means they made a decision and will stick with it.

• It's quite common to assume "they don't have a right to be angry" cause of some situation of where you're in the right under some moral condition. This is not an excuse. You don't have any right to police a person's thoughts or emotions. That doesn't mean that said emotions can be acceptable to say in public either, of course. There's a time and a place for everything.
• Rationality is another thing. If you're so angry you can't control yourself, take a step back and a break. It doesn't matter if you were wronged for any reason. Just drop it instead. Now I will say I've had anger issues too. I at most vent a bit... and realize it's better to drop it instead of attempting to discuss it in full. The reasoning being it's impossible sometimes to change someone's mind. That's okay. You can let it go. Nothing wrong with that.
• In addition, always remember what your anger leads to. If you're basically making stuff up about a person, you went too far. Do not ever justify it with anything. No. You screwed up. You are at fault for this. Basically? Conspiracy theories about people aren't justified at all. Your anger towards a person can be justified, but how you act doesn't work that way. Your specific actions are your own and can be policed, as they can easily break various rules. In addition, conspiracy theories about people have nothing behind it beyond malicious intent.
• The final notable bit here is an obsession with something. If an obsession leads to crazy talk(conspiracy theories, denying people emotions), you failed to bring up a legitimate point then. You failed miserably at creating an argument, but going so massively from emotions you lost your rationality and can't even provide evidence to these things. That's when you need to stop and not just take a break, but get some help.

This is a minor thing, but as we know, everyone has their OC's(Vtubers, etc.) and their own person. These do not overlap inherently. Technically speaking, it does mean you lead a double life and this can get confusing. But it's like with the comfort zone above. Do not assume things. Yes, some may say things as a fictional character that clearly does not apply to all in how they really feel in real life. That's okay. They aren't being dishonest. Never forget that there's two different opinions. This will not end with bullet points.

Now for a unique situation as well on how to properly display rules. We have rules for anything. Your chats, your servers, your commissions, etc. Always clarify properly. Do not rely on someone saying it out in the open. Specifically put it in said information display where everyone can read it. Likewise, don't be a hypocrite about it.

• The most common one is Self-Promotion rules. We get it. You don't want people randomly advertising. While there can be confusion between that and just having fun talking about a cool thing because they think someone will like it, make sure it's massively clear on how it works. Otherwise there's confusion and people will unintentionally break the rules. Clarity always matters, in visible format.
• Backseat Gaming is another one, though I'll cover that in a separate section later.
• How Questions and NSFW ones work. Be as specific as possible. We get it. Sometimes things get personal and you don't want to hear that. Likewise, people don't want NSFW content where they are. Jokes are completely subjective and it's best to let only the people in charge make them. They know the line better than you do. They made the line after all. If you're uncomfortable with what they said, just explain it kindly.

Now to fully get into Backseat Gaming. Let's first set it straight that there's a huge difference between an innocent tip and trying to directly tell people how they should play. Only the latter is always inappropriate, as it's basically an Elitist mindset and not reasonable.

• To start with, we've all said tips before. Your purpose is to help. No more, no less. Not everyone likes that and that's okay. Some don't want help nor need it. However, keep in mind how you specify this. If you're going to be a jerk about it, you shouldn't be gaming in the first place with other people around. That's on both ends too. Never be a jerk about a game discussion, regardless of the circumstances. Be kind and respect on all ends. If you don't want to read anything else, set your chat room to emotes only. That's fair. At least it's clear and respectful about it without ever being rude.
• This also goes with clear tagging. Make sure the tags are clear about what is acceptable. I've seen many think that it's some obvious thing. It's not. If it's not there, they have a right to ask how you feel about it because the area is unknown. Tons of people enjoy tips. Some might not use them but have no issue hearing them.
• In addition, and quite importantly, a key difference is that some people will tell you how you should play. As I said, it's an Elitist mindset. But it's not just that. Their intention is to act like you need to do what they say no matter what. These are not legitimate gameplay tips. They don't actually care about your feelings at all. Hint: Crowd Control is not an example of this.

Now for a more interesting one; poor management of your stream options. Every streamer loves to have really cool things, right? Well, there is a line to be drawn. A bit one is the ability to ban a user while you're not a Moderator or the Streamer themselves. This is just a no. Never ever allow this. You can absolutely allow someone to self-ban themselves for fun, because it's not abusable.

• This also goes hand in hand with how to handle bans. Be reasonable about the situation. If someone has a situation with a streamer, and says "Don't worry, I'll discuss it later." That means you at most say it's not appropriate to say in public. Leave it at that. Don't make drama out of it. Clearly it's not actually your business like you think it is. If an argument occurs where said user refuses to drop it, yes, they are clearly breaking rules and the one causing drama. But don't enable it by telling them something as poor as "It's over with. It was already resolved." It was not. It's fine to not allow talk on it, and completely reasonable. You don't decide when a user is done however with the situation. They do. They will end it when they feel it's properly handled. This happens a lot where users have an issue and want to bring it up, and at most, bring it up in the wrong avenue. It happens. Nobody's perfect. Don't be an abusive bully about it and try to silence others. Explain the situation and be respectful under all conditions.
• Another issue is clique behavior. You think you're funny, right? You think these jokes apply to all, right? They don't. This shows a severe sign of immaturity to even enable this kind of behavior. This is where the problem with allowing a random user to ban anyone with some "point cost" comes in too. This is abusable for bullies to create a completely hostile atmosphere and trying to drown out others for... simply thinking differently. This isn't some case where they said anything inappropriate, it's a ton of people grouping up on another person to cause them grief when it's beyond inappropriate. Any Moderator or Streamer who enables this kind of bullying behavior failed at their job hard. No, there is not an excuse.
• The final note of this is the whole "the streamer always wins" is not a legitimate thing. It never was and never will be. If people get into a debate, and you don't want to talk about it anymore. Just say so. They'll drop it. If they don't listen, they clearly aren't interested in actually following any rulers and that's the only legitimate time for action. Do not be a bully. Just be respectful about it. I've seen two similar situations happen, and only one handled it correctly by explaining the situation of what you shouldn't do and left it at that. You are rarely going to see the latter because people think it's okay to talk down to others or thinking their opinion is always winning cause they hold the most power. That's what bullying is. Hell, it's what elitism is.

Making an example out of someone. People have done it before. Like, a lot. It's absolutely inappropriate. That's not how you handle things. It's only to show power, not to actually fix things. It's done with the intent to maliciously humiliate someone.

• Never ever mention drama you had in private with another user in public. Just, no. Keep it private. You can be vague enough to say you made errors in general related to said subject. I shall note, even in this, this is not something about any particular user, even with some slightly more specific examples. Because nobody should be humiliated.
• This goes a bit with the last set of bullet points, as bullying a user and encouraging others to do the same is more or less the same thing, just with slight differences. It's so slight you can't generally tell them apart. Don't do that. It's not respectful to anyone. It's abusive behavior.
• You don't actually prove anything. It's basically just you being too insecure to to admit there's an issue and talk about it properly. You clearly want someone else to hurt because they are annoying about something. It doesn't really matter what said person did, either. You still don't make an example out of them. Let it speak for themselves. If said person does something wrong, their actions already tell the whole tale. It's fine to explain the issue, but not by using it as an example with another user. Don't compare users. Just specify what user did what and why it's bad. But a comparison? This serves no reasonable purpose.

A notable one goes back to anyy informational websites(academic or not). If you ban some kind of work, make sure a policy is in place first as to why. Talk it out properly. Do not ban stuff just because they're controversial. It has to be with consideration and for a very good reason otherwise. Likewise, a site has every right to decide a kind of work is not allowed. But it's always with discussion. At least for a new rule. Some may have already decided that as their design. Respect that.

• One of the biggest mistakes people make is assume information about any kind of work automatically means it's meant to advertise said work. This is false. It's meant to just give information. An advertising effect will happen naturally no matter what. That doesn't make it a legitimate argument in itself.
• Naturally some people will not be happy with some decisions. That's fair. You might've missed the discussion. If you want to make an argument, make it one time. Don't continue to bring it up. It stops being a legitimate counterpart you wanted to make but missed the boat and becomes a complete obsession. This is a bad thing and shows your inability to let a thing go.
• An even worse thing you can do is skirt around these issues with vandalization via bad editing to restore content that was removed. Here's the thing. It was removed for a reason. Throwing a temper tantrum is pointless. You only make things worse for everyone and yourself. It's okay to move on.

This is my longest blog, admittedly. I am aware some may not like this. Some may figure out any vague examples of what I mean. It is what it is. However, I say with great respect that everyone should be respected, assumptions should not be made, and it's always better to talk things out than try to ghost people in itself.